just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
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