good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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