I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
