remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
