My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
