Is it because I queefed?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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