He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
