My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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