What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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