I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
