when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
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This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize