My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
