No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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