just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
