may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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