6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
