I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
