the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
