Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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