i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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