The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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