I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
