everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
