I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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