totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
