Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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