I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
