News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Drunk is not a location!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
