i always forget guys have bellybuttons
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
