There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize