Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
