Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
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No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
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It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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