So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
