Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
