I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
