Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
