I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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