I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
