yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
