All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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