I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
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He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
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Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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