I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Randomize
