I like to think it a success when the cops are called
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
