I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
