dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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