I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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