I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?