My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.