I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
