im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
