I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
