Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
