I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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