i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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