shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
