i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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