Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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