I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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