There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
