I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
