Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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