I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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